15 August 2008

Love Letters to my Fellow Citizens
(Pardon me while I VENT)
Dearest 'Professor Smarty-Pants':

I called your home the other day to inform your lucky bride that her special ordered piece had arrived at our gift shop. She was not at home, but you can imagine how relieved I was when you informed me that you were 'more than capable of taking a message'.
Because, you know, we just so often get so many on the other end of the line who are completely unable of doing such a thing. You truly are gifted, my friend.
I then continued on to explain the reason for my call - the special ordered wall piece had come in.
To which you questioned: "What do you mean, 'wall piece?' "
To which I kindly reply: "Well, it's a rather large decorative metal piece with a rooster on it to hang on your wall."
..."Oh" you briefly responded.
"Anyway" I continue... "Let me give you the number so she can call us back... it's 770-464..."
when you break in to inform me that that is not the number that was listed on your caller i.d.
I, then, in turn patiently reply, "Well, no Sir, that would be the corporate number from our main office, seeing as I've called you long distance. Those must go through our main circuit."
..."I see..."
"... so could you say that number again?"
"Certainly, Sir. It's 77(o)..."
to which you reply: "You mean zero... it's not an 'O'."
(you are kidding me)
Gritting my teeth now, I say "You are right, Sir. It is a zero... and indeed not an 'O'.
At which point, I feel certain you must've regained some semblance of pride. After all, what a great save after the caller i.d. faux pas.
By this point, I am then able to actually complete my message. And you, being much happier (and feeling much more superior) reassure me that you will get the message to your lucky lady.
And, I have no doubt that you will.

Dear 'Our Lady of Entitlement':

Though I have not had the pleasure of speaking with you (as of yet)... You, our suave lady, took it upon yourself to call and ask to have a cookbook sent to you... free of charge.
(why, now, is that?)
Well, you inform us that you had shopped with us the other evening and in purchasing one cookbook, had planned on buying a second one as well, but had been told that that was the last copy in the store.
(Did you not just pick it up off of the pile we have at the register?)
And, even though you had planned on purchasing two the other night, you now expect the second one to be shipped completely free of charge.
(you are kidding, right?)
To that, you are told kindly that we will be more than happy to ship you a second copy for the same price everyone else pays (!!!) or you are more than welcome to go pick up a copy at your local Borders with no shipping...
To which you reply "Hmmmmph! Does this mean you won't call the owner and ask him what he thinks you should do?"
"Sure. We'll ask the owner and see what he thinks. And call you back."
You reply sweetly: "Thank you."

Update: Checked the records. The only sale of cookbooks at night this week, was one night, when somebody bought two copies.
So, sorry, lady. Either way, you're case doesn't hold water.
And the owner?... Yeah, I'm pretty sure he'll see our side...
So sorry.
Better luck next time!

P.S. ~ Maybe the old Professor could help you in the future. He's a pretty clever fellow!


Shawn said...

Ok, you can take your tongue out of your cheek now. I would console you by saying these people were probably just uncouth yankees who don't know any better, but I'm not sure how a transplanted mid-westerner would take that.

Jess said...

Not well...
Not well at all...

And, actually, I'll have you know, our fine fellow was from Michigan and the lady was from Tennessee. So, there are representatives no matter where they're from.

Jay & Michelle said...

Oh Jess ~ I wish I could say that I miss the days at BW, but I don't... Sorry you had to deal with MORE idiots, but you know that that's a requirement to visit. :) Love ya

Brad and Shana said...

Three words Jess:

Bless your heart!!

Chris Q said...

Oh Jess, I have to say that was one of the funniest bits of writing I've read in a long time. It's just a shame that you had to deal with those customers just to get those great stories!

Jess said...

Unfortunately, that's just a sampling of what we had the pleasure of dealing with this week! Is it a full moon? I think it must be. All the crazy people come out with the full moon. I promise you.

Luanne said...

Classic piece of literary genius!! Cracked me up--thank God there's all kinds of us because it makes life interesting!!!