Above ALL, take up the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. (Eph. 6:16)

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So, as I confessed in my last post, I have been VERY distant from God. Not just for a few days. Not just for a few weeks. We're talking months here. Months of wandering, squandering and much doubting. Empty messages and daily life devoid of much meaning.

Is it because there were no good lessons out there? And suddenly no meaning to life?

No.

I didn't find any truth or meaning because, quite simply... I was no longer looking for it.

Call it emotionally 'spent'. Call it pure laziness. Doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm finding my way back now (to open arms!) and the lessons learned while off the path.

It's not that I didn't desire to be back on the path, walking as swiftly as I once had. I knew what I was missing and wanted it back deeply. But, I just always find it so easy to fall into the mindset of taking things upon myself... when all He asks of us is to 'trust and obey'. This week, I just made a commitment to make a little more effort. Listen to the radio shows I once had listened to daily (David Jeremiah... and the likes). Pick up a book once in a while, for goodness' sake! Watch some quality television and movies... In other words, soak in as much of the Word as I could and redirect my focus. Or at least, much more than I had been lately...

Next thing I know, He's moving in my life. And moving ME once again.

All that to say... I can honestly attest to how easily faith can be wounded, compromised or even altogether lost, when you don't keep your guard up. And how hard it can be to find again.

In listening to David Jeremiah this week, he was reminding us of the importance of the 'full body of armor' in which to protect ourselves on our faith walk. This week, the focus was on the 'shield of faith'. One translation reads "Above ALL else..." Another reads "In EVERY battle, you will need faith as your shield..." Obviously, our faith is rather important in this battle of daily living.

To gain a deeper understanding of the shield Paul would be speaking of... I pulled up 'shield' in Wikipedia. Found a very helpful page that goes into great detail about the Roman Shield and what it was all about.

The 'scutum', as they referred to it, was "generally a large body shield. About 2.5 ft wide by 4 ft tall. It was made of plywood and covered in leather." Some contained a centrally located shield 'boss', which looks like a Hershey's kiss, but a whole lot scarier. "During the charge, the legionary would hold his shield in front of himself so that the force of the impact would, hopefully, knock his opponent to the ground. In this way, the scutum could serve as an offensive weapon by battering the enemy with the central boss and by hacking at him with the metal-bound edge."

(Wow. This ain't exactly your run scared and hide behind variety of shield, now is it?)

"Once he had reached, and overbalanced, his enemy, the legionary would often rest his scutum on the ground and fight from behind it while crouched. This would lower his center of gravity, making it harder for him to be pushed back or knocked off-balance, and would also allow for more of his body to be protected by the shield."

A place of safety and stability... now, who doesn't want that? However, "it should be stressed that this technique would result in a rather static position, and Roman tactics tended to rely on moving forward."

We can't just stay in one place... we must press on... in faith... "It is certain that, when called for, he would have held his shield in front of himself and continued to press forward."

(Now, all of this was really cool to learn... but this was my favorite part....)

"In siege warfare, the scutum could be employed in a unique formation known as the testudo, or tortoise. In the testudo, the soldiers on the front and sides of the formation would hold their shields outward, while the remainder would overlap their shields above the heads of the formation. The result was a box enclosed on the front, sides, and top, leaving very few vulnerable openings. The testudo allowed the Romans to approach and undermine walls without much fear of arrows or rocks from above. It could be disrupted by weapons such as burning fat, but the testudo still served well as a quickly and easily deployed siege weapon."

There is DEFINITELY strength in numbers!! (Especially when you're not concerned with 'burning fat'!!) I read this part of the description and it just brought a tear to my eye! Thinking of all my fellow Christian soldiers and how even when (or perhaps I should say: especially when) my faith is weak and my shield is compromised, I am blessed to be part of their 'testudo'!

My mom asked me a week ago what reason I would give if someone were to ask why they should attend church or get involved in a church, when 'they can believe just as well by themselves'. This is just one (of many) examples I can think of. When you're a part of a strong church body... of believers who are in this good fight of faith with you...

Well, I just can't imagine anything better!

~

But Alas...

the Return of the Prodigal Blogger!

So... if you've followed my blog AT ALL, you may have noticed a rather lengthy 'hiatus' from my blogging. I apologize and I assure you that although I have not been writing, I have continued reading all my favorite blogs from all my cherished bloggers. (You guys, are AWESOME, by the way!)

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I, however, have just found myself lacking in the inspiration department. I've always enjoyed sharing any little tid-bits that had been impressed upon me along the way, but to be perfectly honest, I hadn't had any to share in quite-some-time. And I only have myself to blame.

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Now, I'm still not sure if all just boils down to laziness or neglect or if it's just been my 'time to be in the desert'... not gonna dwell on that... But, I have been lovingly reminded in the last several days that when I "draw near to (Him), He will (most assuredly) draw near to (me)". And I am SO grateful for such a loving, PATIENT Father!

~

... Hopefully, MUCH more to come...!

"Simple Humility"

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Humility, or being humble, is the defining characteristic of an unpretentious and modest person; someone who does not think that he or she is better or more important than others.

The opposite of humility is pride.

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This week, we started our Priscilla Shirer study "He Speaks to Me". Having benefited from her last study, I have really been looking forward to starting this study. And after having watched just the first 30 minutes of her first video session, I knew that she (or rather, He) was already speaking to me. So, I got out my workbook and delved in.

Day One: Simple Obedience - Yep. Need that. No better place to start than square one, right? And I need to get back to that point just to be obedient enough to pick up the book these days!! "Obedience requires sacrifice..." Gotta give up something I consider 'valuable' in committing to hearing God's voice. Gotcha. I am with ya, Sister. Yes sirree, boy did I need that reminder (and to be honest... that kick in the pants).

Day Two: Simple Beginning - A reverent "fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom" (Prov. 1:7 and 9:10). Makes sense. After all, like Shirer says, "Showing God respect opens our hearts and our spiritual ears to clearly hear from Him." It's the very prerequisite for gaining any kind of spiritual wisdom.

Day Three: Simple Humility - "The result of pride..."?? (My thinking at this point?) ... Pffft. Pride? I don't need a study on pride. I'm about as non-prideful as someone can get...

Yes, I see the blatant irony of it all NOW. But, do you know it took a couple of days before it hit me? Sad, I know. But true just the same. Actually, it wasn't until after I completed the homework, after our class met and discussed it and after I got home and let's see...

Flipped over my perpetual calendar to read: Humility is not thinking little of yourself; rather it is simply not thinking of yourself.

And picked up my Andrew Murray devotional for the first time this year to read: Put aside your own efforts and thoughts. ...Offer yourself to Him in sincere humility, and believe that God, in His holy love, will make Himself known to you.

THEN, I (finally) started thinking... Okay... obviously, You're talking to me... So maybe I do have just a teensy weensy touch of pride in me. So, let's just start there, shall we...?

~

But, first... if you'll just excuse me... I think I have something in my eye? ... Oh, wait... Yep, there it is... Just as I suspected... a LOG.

~

Ouch.

~

Set me Free

Self-imposed Lockdown

Last week, I got an email from my aunt with some cute little Christian cartoons attached. And I was just going along, enjoying the sweet little reminders, when I came across this one....

... And BAM!
It was just like a sucker punch to the gut. I just thought, "You know... this is me." Self-imposed 'lock-up'... or perhaps rather 'lockdown'?

Let's see...'lockdown' is defined as: a state of containment or a restriction of progression. Yeah, that sounds about right. That is exactly where I'm at right now. And for some reason, insist on staying?!? Chained up tight by my fear and anxiety. Restricted by my doubts and discouragement. Ugh.

All the while, He's telling me "Child, I came... I died... for YOU... to be FREE..."

I know, Father. But, I can't seem to find my way out?

~

Last night, I sat down and watched 'M*A*S*H', for the first time in a while. And again, there was a theme of bondage and freedom.

In this particular episode, Hawkeye Pierce gets word of a fellow Army man purchasing a young Korean woman to be his bondservant. Seeing the value of this young lady, he is appalled by the very thought of this and very shrewdly, yet nobly 'buys' the girl back her freedom in a game of poker. He tries to explain to her that she is now free, but now she just willingly thinks she is to work for Hawkeye. He finally insists she goes back home to her family and puts her on a bus back there. Next thing he knows, she's back in the "Swamp" eagerly serving them and doing what needs to be done there. It seems she just doesn't grasp the concept of true freedom.

Or does she?

At first, I likened this story to that of the cartoon. And to that of my own life. And it was then that I found a very distinct difference.

The prisoners in the cartoon insist on staying 'locked up' in the prison yard. I insist on remaining held captive by all my fears and concerns. The sweet Korean girl... well, she's much wiser. She insists on turning all her focus and energy on the one who purchased her freedom. And gladly honors and serves him with a joyful and willing heart. She doesn't go back to her captor, nor does she go back home to simply wait to be 'sold out' to another. She embraces the one who paid for her ransom and surrenders her life completely to him. And because this is her choice, she finds purpose, meaning and contentment.

Father, help me to be this wise.

Sanctification

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{sanc⋅ti⋅fy} 

1. to make holy; set apart as sacred; consecrate.
2. to purify or free from sin: Sanctify your hearts.
3. to impart religious sanction to; render legitimate or binding: to sanctify a vow.
4. to entitle to reverence or respect.
5. to make productive of or conducive to spiritual blessing.

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There's a running 'joke' on Facebook between all of those of us who seem to spend endless hours playing games, chatting and just checking up on people and seeing what they've been up to and how they are doing (in some circles, this may be referred to as Stalking; however, on Facebook, it just happens to be more socially acceptable).

~

Anyway, the running 'joke' is:

And though we laugh about how all-consuming, all-encompassing Facebook can become... this week, I've been forced to honestly examine where it is in my life and where it should be. What I truly used to accomplish with my time and what I do with it now.

Some time ago, I started the Kelly Minter study "No Other Gods". And, let me tell you - it is an amazing study. Not necessarily in the depth of the matter or the level of intensity. It's just awesome in its simplicity. Poignant. Direct. Clear. Convicting. At least for me.

Minter starts us off by having us compare the difference between a 'professed god - who or what we say our god is' and a 'functional god - who or what actually opertates as our god.' I, for example, profess my Heavenly Father as my God. BUT, these days, can I honestly say that He is the One I turn to? spend time with? seek and honor? first and foremost? above all others?

... ahem... no. Ashamedly, I must admit my answer is "No". So many times, He gets my left-overs at best and then I wonder why He feels so distant.

Minter also points out that often times, many of "our false gods can be made of things that are in and of themselves perfectly good; they only become a problem when they take the place of God." An AMAZING example of this that she provides is that of the Israelites. In Exodus, the Lord "caused the Egyptians to look favorably upon the Israelites, and they gave the Israelites whatever they asked for. SO, like a victorious army, they plundered the Egyptians." (Ex. 12:36) Within this plunder were "articles of silver and gold". (Ex. 12:35)

However, we read just a while later that, the Israelites, in getting tired and restless waiting for the return of their leader and liason to God - Moses, decided that they should "make some gods who can lead (them)." They simply concluded that Moses must have "disappeared" and in their haste decided it best just to "take off their gold earrings... take the gold, melt it down, mold it and tool it into the shape of a calf." (Ex. 32:1-4) And next thing you know, they are exclaiming "O, Israel, these are the gods who brought you out of Egypt!"

What?!?

Silly Israelites. Don't they ever learn??

Oh, wait. I'm just like them ... Ouch. Have I not taken the very gifts I've been blessed with from God and put them in the place of Him? Am I, too not guilty of giving up on Him, assuming He has just simply disappeared and find myself turning to the people and things that He has so graciously given to me? ...Why yes, I'm afraid so.

All of this to say... my church is going into a time of fasting starting tomorrow. It is the 21-day Daniel fast. However, considering my most recent health matters and the fact that I don't ingest much more than crackers and water on a regular basis anyway... I have decided to fast from Facebook. For the entire 21 days.

This may sound ridiculous. But, I think it's the best time and best way to get my priorities back to where they need to be. God has been SOOO gracious to me, allowing me the chance to re-connect with some sweet people and connecting even more deeply with those I truly cherish. It has provided such rich opportunity and sweet relationships... however, isn't that the whole point of fasting? To give up what is rich and sweet in our lives and look for those same qualitites from Him? So, this is what I plan to do.

I say this not to draw attention to myself and my sacrifice. But, rather Him and His sacrifice for me. And to be held accountable. (And to let those on Facebook know not to worry about me! I'm still here!! And will be back to stalk check back in on them February 2nd.) : )

So, y'all just go ahead and beat my high game scores and tag me in all kinds of crazy pictures. Just remember what they say about paybacks and be on the lookout for more blog posts in the meantime!!

(... and now, back to FINISH my Kelly Minter study...)

Pity Party of One

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Let me just tell you right off. This is not going to be a very inspiring post. And certainly not one I'll be very proud of. But, it's just where I'm at right now and I just feel like being brutally honest, both with myself and with any of you who care to read this.

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I didn't really think it would bother me. After all, it's just another day. I mean, a Wednesday night by any other name (such as New Year's Eve) is still just a Wednesday night, right? And goodness knows I'm not the type to go around painting the town red - or any other color for that matter. And, if given the opportunity, would I really want to go fight the crowds all evening just to watch a ball drop for 60 seconds? Probably not.

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So, why does it hit me like a ton of bricks now? Why am I not like all the others out there saying "So looking forward to a new year!" Why, instead of embacing it, do I feel discouraged by the turning of a new page?

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Is it because '08 was so great, I hate to see it end? No.

Is it because I really think that '09 will be that dreadful, with nothing good in store? No.

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I think maybe it's because I'm afraid it'll just turn out to be yet another 'same old - same old' year for me. Bearing much too much a striking resemblance to the last several years. Not that they've been all bad. Just not all I might have hoped they'd be.

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And to be honest - I'm tired.

Tired of hoping for more.

Tired of trying.

Tired of believing for better.

Tired of feeling like I'm hitting a brick wall.

Tired of seeing no results and wondering what it is I'm just not doing right.

And tired of feeling like I'm not being heard by the One I've been trying so desperately to turn to.

~

So, to think of another year of hoping, trying, believing and hitting a brick wall, wondering what I'm doing wrong...

...yeah, I'm finding that a little daunting right now.

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But, maybe tomorrow will shine a little brighter.

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One can 'only' hope.

Resolution

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Resolve

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The other evening, going into Christmas Eve service at my parents' church, Savannah sweetly said "Aunt Jess. I am going to be SO good, you won't believe your EYES!"

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Now, I won't say she was bad. But, needless to say, by the end of the evening, she was losing restraint. Bored and restless, her resolve quickly began to crumble.

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But, aren't we all like that? So determined to just astonish everyone with our exceptional behavior. Saintly gestures and only kind words falling like honey from our lips.

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Yeah, right!

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And how long does that typically last? Until our feet actually hit the floor in the morning?

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Thankfully, there's usually tomorrow and His mercies are new every morning.

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Who knows, maybe one day we'll get it right. But, until then, we're right there with ya, Savannah. Resolve chipping away with every tick of the clock. At least you know you're in good and plentiful company, Girl.

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So, what have YOU resolved to accomplish in 2009?