31 December 2008

Pity Party of One
Let me just tell you right off. This is not going to be a very inspiring post. And certainly not one I'll be very proud of. But, it's just where I'm at right now and I just feel like being brutally honest, both with myself and with any of you who care to read this.
I didn't really think it would bother me. After all, it's just another day. I mean, a Wednesday night by any other name (such as New Year's Eve) is still just a Wednesday night, right? And goodness knows I'm not the type to go around painting the town red - or any other color for that matter. And, if given the opportunity, would I really want to go fight the crowds all evening just to watch a ball drop for 60 seconds? Probably not.
So, why does it hit me like a ton of bricks now? Why am I not like all the others out there saying "So looking forward to a new year!" Why, instead of embacing it, do I feel discouraged by the turning of a new page?
Is it because '08 was so great, I hate to see it end? No.
Is it because I really think that '09 will be that dreadful, with nothing good in store? No.
I think maybe it's because I'm afraid it'll just turn out to be yet another 'same old - same old' year for me. Bearing much too much a striking resemblance to the last several years. Not that they've been all bad. Just not all I might have hoped they'd be.
And to be honest - I'm tired.
Tired of hoping for more.
Tired of trying.
Tired of believing for better.
Tired of feeling like I'm hitting a brick wall.
Tired of seeing no results and wondering what it is I'm just not doing right.
And tired of feeling like I'm not being heard by the One I've been trying so desperately to turn to.
So, to think of another year of hoping, trying, believing and hitting a brick wall, wondering what I'm doing wrong...
...yeah, I'm finding that a little daunting right now.
But, maybe tomorrow will shine a little brighter.
One can 'only' hope.


Brad and Shana said...


I'm so sorry that you're feeling discouraged. I think we all feel that way at times, maybe not for the same reasons, but discouraged just the same.

I wish I had wise words, but I don't. But your post theme song was very appropriate (as always). Just Hold on. Hold on to the Hope you have in Him. Hope that says that He has a plan.....a GOOD plan for you.

And remember, weaping may come for a night, But JOY comes in the morning.

Love ya

jodi said...

Sorry Jess, that you've reached a place where you are tired of believing, trying, and hoping. I wish I could help in some way. Hold on to what you know to be true. I'll be praying for you.

Luanne said...

Hey Jess--thanks for your honesty--and I do pray that His mercies that are new every morning washed over you today.

You are doing the right thing, though as your "song" says--Hang On. Your Deliverer is coming.

Praying for you--


Anonymous said...

I really think that maybe better than anyone, I know exactly where you are coming from on your post. That has been my mantra for too many years. But just as things are turning around for me, I know they too will do the same for you. You have so much to offer, don't give up, don't lose hope. I know how tiring things can get especially when it seems like nothing is changing. I wish I were closer so that we could hang out more, but you can call or come up anytime for a little change!!


Lyndy said...

Oh sweet friend, I can so relate to this post.

Here is hoping and praying that 2009 is a much better year for the both of us.

Hugs, Lyndy

Chris Q said...

Dang, Jess, that made me sad. Hope it's getting better for you... See you tomorrow night!

Michele said...

Jess-you only wrote what a lot of people feel! You were honest. There is so much to be said about that! I'm praying for you and I believe this will be a great year for you!