07 September 2008

Where do I go from here?
Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow. (Ps. 25:4)
I must say... I find myself truly struggling these days. More and more.
It really is no wonder that I have internal problems. I can literally feel the war going on inside of me. Knowing on one hand that it best just to let go and let God... yet on the other (very stubborn) hand, holding on with everything I've got. All but paralyzed with fear.
You see, in 2005, I started thinking I had it all figured out. The direction for my life. The meaning behind all that lead up to that point. God. Myself. You name it. I had it figured out.
Or so I thought.
Then - my wake-up call. In the form of the 'straw breaking the camel's back'. And more or less overnight, my life (as I knew it) and all my 'answers' came crashing down around me. I was devastated. For more reasons than one.
But, now upon reflection, I believe the most detrimental one being that of feeling betrayed by God.
After all, it was just then that I had really begun searching for Him and hungering for Him. And feeling as though He were truly leading me.
It was such a contradiction. One, I'm sure that has been experienced by many: The very One who could have spared you from such heartache is the only One who can save you now. Thankfully, He's plenty big enough to shoulder any brutally honest feelings you might be harboring. Even toward Him.
So... as time went by and I held onto Him as never before... I began to see Him move in my life, in so many ways. He lead me to a church home where I still find myself blessed to this day, on a regular basis. He's spoken to me through countless books (and blogs) and speakers... He's helped me to grow and develop in ways I never would have imagined 3 years ago.
And, for that, I am truly indebted. And though I wouldn't want to go that road again and even as troubled as I find myself today, I am so grateful for the place it's all brought me to.
However. As much as He's proven Himself for me, to me and even through me... I still just can't seem to shake that initial distrust in Him. And you better believe that I am more than ashamed to say that. After all He's done in my life to show me His love and mercy. How could I not trust in Him completely and with complete abandon?
I only share it now in hopes that it will serve, in some way, to loose the chains. I really don't know what else to do.
I know He's pulling me. Prompting me. Inviting me to lay it all down at His feet. The good and the bad. The hopes and dreams for tomorrow as well as any hurts from the past. Ready, willing, and more than able to sort through it all and make beauty arise from the ashes. (Is. 61:3)
And I know the sweet release that comes with that. I've given it all to Him before. I just wish I knew what it will take this time, to relinquish this stubborn hold on all that I insist on carrying myself. In the name of self preservation. Only to bury myself and guard myself against the very One Who wants to uncover me and finally let the light truly back into my life.
And here He remains... patiently waiting. For me to let go. For me to finally lay it all down. So He can then take me by the heart and take me by the hand and lead me down the path where I belong.
If only it were as easy as it sounds.
“I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)


Luanne said...

Hi Jess--I have been missing you lately. I am praying for you--and can relate to what you are feeling. For most of my life, I have "felt" jerked around by God--thinking he is the mad puppeteer, and I am on the strings. Through a mentoring program at church, I worked through a book called Trusting God, by Jerry Bridges. God used it in my life--big time, to the point where I feel I actually have moments of trust!! Email me if you want to "talk" more. mldeboth@tds.net.

One Beloved Sister said...

Hey Jessica. Your post struck a cord with me too. I understand how hard it is to trust and let go. Of course, then I look at all the faithfulness He has shown me over the years, and it's like...how much more does He have to prove Himself to me? Every day it's a choice to trust, isn't it? Well, who am I kidding? Every MINUTE it's a choice! ;o) Praying for you today, my friend.

Chanda said...

awesome post, Jess. Thanks for your honesty -- I am with you in that place many days, the minute I wake up. I guess we'll never get past the point of laying it before Him again -- even David, with a heart like His, had to revisit the altar again and again. I think it pleases Him most when we realize our need for Him and love Him with the love of the desperate. He wants to be our Savior -- and He knows He alone can be -- in every circumstance and every heartache. Thanks so much. You are such a special person!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for being so honest. I think you hit the nail on the head describing a struggle that so many of us go through.

Aaron said...

Jess -

I was reading your post and it reminded me of the struggle Paul laid out in Romans 7:14-25. But our hope lies in Romans 8:1-2. Verse 2 says "because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life SET ME FREE from the law of sin and death" (emphasis mine).

While even Paul struggled with the old and the new, the law and freedom, sin and nature he understood that Jesus had set him free. What I see in your post is a pursuit and a refining of self through the Holy Spirit. Keep putting yourself to the fire and working through the impurities that we all have. It's better than sitting still and having God do it for you ;)

Great choice of song by Third Day by the way...

"Give me a revelation, show me what to do. Because I've been trying to find my way I haven't got a clue. Tell me should I stay here or do I have to move. Give me a revelation..I've got nothing without you" - Third Day.

Shawn said...

Yeah ...
That's a tough one, especially when your valley seems like an eternity. For me, some serious abandonment issues have made it hard to trust, and I impute that to God far too easily and completely unfairly. I think sometimes God's seeing if we believe the Truth or our feelings ... not easy. Unfortunately sometimes, Christians don't help with trite sayings and stick-a-geranium-in-your-hat-and-be-happy platitudes. I think those people should be shot :-)

jodi said...

You ask a lot of the same questions Jeremy is asking right now. If HE has the power, and we trust and obey, why are we still in this mess? I don't have an answer. Just know you are not alone. We love ya, Sis!

Dianne said...

Hey. Our new pastor is talking to us right now about prayer and trusting God. I've decided this next week, I'm going to start posting his notes, so be sure to check them out. He's really great...very thoughtprovoking...

Sheryl said...

Told you I was going to start reading through to get to know you. This post really strikes a cord with me. Not sure what your life experiences were that led you to this place but I have been there. Actually I might still be there. Wondering where is HE? Can I trust Him? It's great to get the thoughts out because I think you're right - they lose some of their power that way.