Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow. (Ps. 25:4)
I must say... I find myself truly struggling these days. More and more.
It really is no wonder that I have internal problems. I can literally feel the war going on inside of me. Knowing on one hand that it best just to let go and let God... yet on the other (very stubborn) hand, holding on with everything I've got. All but paralyzed with fear.
You see, in 2005, I started thinking I had it all figured out. The direction for my life. The meaning behind all that lead up to that point. God. Myself. You name it. I had it figured out.
Or so I thought.
Then - my wake-up call. In the form of the 'straw breaking the camel's back'. And more or less overnight, my life (as I knew it) and all my 'answers' came crashing down around me. I was devastated. For more reasons than one.
But, now upon reflection, I believe the most detrimental one being that of feeling betrayed by God.
After all, it was just then that I had really begun searching for Him and hungering for Him. And feeling as though He were truly leading me.
It was such a contradiction. One, I'm sure that has been experienced by many: The very One who could have spared you from such heartache is the only One who can save you now. Thankfully, He's plenty big enough to shoulder any brutally honest feelings you might be harboring. Even toward Him.
So... as time went by and I held onto Him as never before... I began to see Him move in my life, in so many ways. He lead me to a church home where I still find myself blessed to this day, on a regular basis. He's spoken to me through countless books (and blogs) and speakers... He's helped me to grow and develop in ways I never would have imagined 3 years ago.
And, for that, I am truly indebted. And though I wouldn't want to go that road again and even as troubled as I find myself today, I am so grateful for the place it's all brought me to.
However. As much as He's proven Himself for me, to me and even through me... I still just can't seem to shake that initial distrust in Him. And you better believe that I am more than ashamed to say that. After all He's done in my life to show me His love and mercy. How could I not trust in Him completely and with complete abandon?
I only share it now in hopes that it will serve, in some way, to loose the chains. I really don't know what else to do.
I know He's pulling me. Prompting me. Inviting me to lay it all down at His feet. The good and the bad. The hopes and dreams for tomorrow as well as any hurts from the past. Ready, willing, and more than able to sort through it all and make beauty arise from the ashes. (Is. 61:3)
And I know the sweet release that comes with that. I've given it all to Him before. I just wish I knew what it will take this time, to relinquish this stubborn hold on all that I insist on carrying myself. In the name of self preservation. Only to bury myself and guard myself against the very One Who wants to uncover me and finally let the light truly back into my life.
And here He remains... patiently waiting. For me to let go. For me to finally lay it all down. So He can then take me by the heart and take me by the hand and lead me down the path where I belong.
If only it were as easy as it sounds.
“I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)