Pity Party of One

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Let me just tell you right off. This is not going to be a very inspiring post. And certainly not one I'll be very proud of. But, it's just where I'm at right now and I just feel like being brutally honest, both with myself and with any of you who care to read this.

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I didn't really think it would bother me. After all, it's just another day. I mean, a Wednesday night by any other name (such as New Year's Eve) is still just a Wednesday night, right? And goodness knows I'm not the type to go around painting the town red - or any other color for that matter. And, if given the opportunity, would I really want to go fight the crowds all evening just to watch a ball drop for 60 seconds? Probably not.

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So, why does it hit me like a ton of bricks now? Why am I not like all the others out there saying "So looking forward to a new year!" Why, instead of embacing it, do I feel discouraged by the turning of a new page?

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Is it because '08 was so great, I hate to see it end? No.

Is it because I really think that '09 will be that dreadful, with nothing good in store? No.

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I think maybe it's because I'm afraid it'll just turn out to be yet another 'same old - same old' year for me. Bearing much too much a striking resemblance to the last several years. Not that they've been all bad. Just not all I might have hoped they'd be.

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And to be honest - I'm tired.

Tired of hoping for more.

Tired of trying.

Tired of believing for better.

Tired of feeling like I'm hitting a brick wall.

Tired of seeing no results and wondering what it is I'm just not doing right.

And tired of feeling like I'm not being heard by the One I've been trying so desperately to turn to.

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So, to think of another year of hoping, trying, believing and hitting a brick wall, wondering what I'm doing wrong...

...yeah, I'm finding that a little daunting right now.

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But, maybe tomorrow will shine a little brighter.

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One can 'only' hope.